I brought my cine camera to make a vampire film among the tombstones. Unfortunately, there was a notice up proclaiming  “do not disturb the graves,” and a verger with a hand-bell, looking for all the world like a town crier, also came up to me and said, “You are not allowed to film here.”

How do the great classics of Gothic film ever get made? Is it essential to have the money and clout to construct an imaginary graveyard? I’m only an amateur film-maker, and cannot stretch to that. Although perhaps I should try, in my back garden, and then it would be more authentic because all the real ghoulies would flock to my unconsecrated ground, which was mimicking a place of burial. Then they could star in the film.

“Look, Mum, here comes the monster!”

The clergy would be perfectly happy with all these creatures from Hell coming into my back garden, and then appearing at the local film club in all their glory on the silver screen. It would be better than me trespassing.

Channelled from Ino